Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
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4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”