Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
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I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
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Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.