“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
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My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?