I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
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I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.