Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busy
Friend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
and I’ll smoke all of your stuff.
-Big Broke Wolf
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Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Her: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who are trying to call us?
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
T: Have you done your homework? S: You graded my test?
T: No I have other student’s stuff to grade S: I have other teacher’s homework to do.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*