I’ll huff
I’ll puff
and I’ll smoke all of your stuff.

-Big Broke Wolf

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Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busy

Friend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*


Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!


Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.


First date
Her: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who are trying to call us?


I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids


And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.


[band rehearsal]

Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?

Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.


T: Have you done your homework? S: You graded my test?
T: No I have other student’s stuff to grade S: I have other teacher’s homework to do.


Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!

Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*