I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.

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First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?


Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.


If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.


Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.


She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.


“Blahhh! This vodka tastes like petrol! Heyyy, wait a minute…”

– Molotov, maybe


Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?

Me: why?

Her: who vacuums their bed?

Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.


Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.

Me: Neither are you.

Zen master: Oh bugger.


normal person: 9+7=16

me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16