@MunkMania

I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.

You Might Also Like

@pittdave13

First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?

@Briidashian

Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.

@Try2StopME

If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.

@Artemis_Ascends

Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.

@TheNardvark

She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.

@UnFitz

“Blahhh! This vodka tastes like petrol! Heyyy, wait a minute…”

– Molotov, maybe

@Tipocazzuto

Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?

Me: why?

Her: who vacuums their bed?

Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.

@JimmerThatisAll

Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.

Me: Neither are you.

Zen master: Oh bugger.

@louvregguk

normal person: 9+7=16

me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16