I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
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TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.