First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
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Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
“Blahhh! This vodka tastes like petrol! Heyyy, wait a minute…”
– Molotov, maybe
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16