I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
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When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that