I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
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i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.