I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
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Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.