I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit

But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once

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Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.


If the new Instagram logo makes you upset, wait until you hear about child soldiers in central Africa.


My 4 yr old: I wish I was a nurse.
Me: You can be one day, if you want.
Him: *sadly shaking head* No. I’m going to be a Power Ranger.



ME: This is literally my most vulnerable, unexpecting, and relaxed state

SHAMPOO BOTTLE: Seems like a good time to hit the ground


i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon


Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.


No thanks lady, I don’t need a tray

I’ll just use my four hands to carry all these coffee’s