Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
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Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
If the new Instagram logo makes you upset, wait until you hear about child soldiers in central Africa.
My 4 yr old: I wish I was a nurse.
Me: You can be one day, if you want.
Him: *sadly shaking head* No. I’m going to be a Power Ranger.
ME: This is literally my most vulnerable, unexpecting, and relaxed state
SHAMPOO BOTTLE: Seems like a good time to hit the ground
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
No thanks lady, I don’t need a tray
I’ll just use my four hands to carry all these coffee’s
What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.