@Kateness8

I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit

But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once

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@tastefactory

Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.

@BillDixonish

If the new Instagram logo makes you upset, wait until you hear about child soldiers in central Africa.

@ShoutingGoddess

My 4 yr old: I wish I was a nurse.
Me: You can be one day, if you want.
Him: *sadly shaking head* No. I’m going to be a Power Ranger.

@P_o_n_k

[Shower]

ME: This is literally my most vulnerable, unexpecting, and relaxed state

SHAMPOO BOTTLE: Seems like a good time to hit the ground

@KimmyMonte

i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon

@Goldishocks

Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.

@lauraleeksmith

No thanks lady, I don’t need a tray

I’ll just use my four hands to carry all these coffee’s