Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
You Might Also Like
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Europe. Made in Germany.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo