@Freudianscript: I'll never be accused of talking behind someone's back, because that would involve talking to people.
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@HomeProbably: There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she's left. She obviously wasn't blind at all.
@sock_holliday: 'Winter Wonderland' is my favourite song about building a snowman that you will potentially have sex with later
@MarcyLane: When buying baked goods I always ask myself, "are you prepared to eat this in the parking lot?"
@_ElvishPresley_: *standing in front of my girlfriend's house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME