@Freudianscript

I’ll never be accused of talking behind someone’s back, because that would involve talking to people.

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@Reverend_Scott

Rum: “Drink me.”

Me: “No, I’ll get a hangover.”

Rum: “Nah, you’ll get funnier and better looking!”

Me: “Really?” *drinks*

Rum: “Sucker.”

@TuSoonShakur

“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”

~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”

@OrangeFact

ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner

ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive

@savagehippy

I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.

@Rohit_And_Run

I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.

@markydoodoo

[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]

Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.

-Bowser K.

@CornOnTheGoblin

“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS

@1Happytwit

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

@sonictyrant

Girls with pigtails really freak me out, i cant help wondering what they did with the rest of the pig

@iGreenMonk

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.