4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
You Might Also Like
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
How actors in movies eat their food
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes