I’ll never be as horrified as the kid who suddenly realizes they’ve been following the wrong “mom butt” at the grocery store.

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My husband has been missing for a week, the police say to prepare for the worst… So I went to the thrift store & got all his clothes back!


I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.


Crazy how some people consider swimming to be a sport when the only alternative to it is drowning.


I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers

…until I’m driving.


The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.


me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please

vendor: sorry cash only


Movie Law:

All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”


*calls into work*

“yo boss i’m real sick”

“you don’t sound sick…”

“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”

“wow u do sound hella sick”