I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
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Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
My wife texted me asking which rug would look best with our floors so now I’m frantically scrolling through her old texts hoping that at some point she’s texted pictures of what our floors look like.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Driving along with my 9yo son and a commercial comes on for “underboob deodorant” and he says “daddy do you use that?” Parenting is bullshit.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
My purse is deeper than some people.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
when unicorns get really drunk
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.