I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
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Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
much to think about
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
so weird how every mom was born today