@Shot_Of_Cabo

I’ll never call a radio station because I’m afraid they’ll give me tickets to go somewhere and do something.

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@HammerFist3

Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time

@lmwortho

I’m pretty sure this happened to the dinosaurs.

@AdderallMomma

Kanye West agreed to play Santa Claus under the condition that children had to ask him what he wanted for Christmas.

@Dustinkcouch

brain: hahaha! just thought of something funny

me: ok hold onto it until i can write it dow-

brain: i don’t want to die. i want to be alive so i can think about never dying. i do not want me to end

me: was that the funny thing?

brain: what funny thing? is heaven real

@cybersoybean

mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons

@Shelts99

Neighbour:How’s the wife?
Me:Glowing
Neighbour:Pregnant?
Me:No, she’s on fire, just going for more wood
Neighbour:You’re sick
Me:You’re next

@thejamietighe

Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.

@AGStr8upNinja

If I had the power to control people’s minds like Professor Xavier I’d probably just make them get me snacks.

@iRowlf

I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.

@Smooheed

There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug