[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
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You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.