Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
I’ll never call a radio station because I’m afraid they’ll give me tickets to go somewhere and do something.
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I’m pretty sure this happened to the dinosaurs.
Kanye West agreed to play Santa Claus under the condition that children had to ask him what he wanted for Christmas.
brain: hahaha! just thought of something funny
me: ok hold onto it until i can write it dow-
brain: i don’t want to die. i want to be alive so i can think about never dying. i do not want me to end
me: was that the funny thing?
brain: what funny thing? is heaven real
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Neighbour:How’s the wife?
Me:No, she’s on fire, just going for more wood
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
If I had the power to control people’s minds like Professor Xavier I’d probably just make them get me snacks.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug