I’ll never call a radio station because I’m afraid they’ll give me tickets to go somewhere and do something.

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Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time


I’m pretty sure this happened to the dinosaurs.


Kanye West agreed to play Santa Claus under the condition that children had to ask him what he wanted for Christmas.


brain: hahaha! just thought of something funny

me: ok hold onto it until i can write it dow-

brain: i don’t want to die. i want to be alive so i can think about never dying. i do not want me to end

me: was that the funny thing?

brain: what funny thing? is heaven real


mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons


Neighbour:How’s the wife?
Me:No, she’s on fire, just going for more wood
Neighbour:You’re sick
Me:You’re next


Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.


If I had the power to control people’s minds like Professor Xavier I’d probably just make them get me snacks.


I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.


There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug