no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
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Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.