I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
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My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
I love twitter
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child