I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.

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Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁


angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible

god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls

angel: ok first question why

god: wait i’m not finished


I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option


In a car crash a dog would rescue you.

However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.


I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!

because they’re holding me hostage


me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met


me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape


“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me


Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.