When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
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One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Last night I found out you can make a lot of people REALLY angry if you dress in a Star Trek costume and also carry a light saber
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
I’m a carb girl, born and bread