I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
You Might Also Like
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there鈥檚 a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you鈥檙e good
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I鈥檓 almost 13 – I鈥檓 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I鈥檓 15.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she鈥檇 like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that鈥檚 how they fuel their spaceships?
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don鈥檛.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Lmao 馃ぃ
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I鈥檓 wearing clothes underneath.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I鈥檓 in prison.