@MatCro

I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.

He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”

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@notorious_stars

When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?

@DirtMcTurd

One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together

@Marlebean

A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.

And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.

@anagramps

“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.

@DaddyJew

Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*

Moon: delete it

@peachesanscream

What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?

@SortaBad

Last night I found out you can make a lot of people REALLY angry if you dress in a Star Trek costume and also carry a light saber

@neiltyson

Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero