I’ll never forget my Uncles last words on his death bed

“I am your Father”

Still doing the Star Wars impressions right to the end

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Dude on tv just said, “Where there’s fat, there’s flavor.”

He was talking about food, but I took it as a compliment.


Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”


Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!


Brain: eat that entire pizza

Stomach: please don’t

Me: *eats pizza*

Stomach: i hurt so much

Me: i feel sick

Brain: eat that dessert

Me: okay

Stomach: oh my god


Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]


Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?

Me: No, what?

Son: Camo meal

*we tearfully embrace*

Wife: JFC


Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”


Me: I need sex, and I need it now…

Her: I understand. You want to be alone.