@brynnester

I’ll never forget my Uncles last words on his death bed

“I am your Father”

Still doing the Star Wars impressions right to the end

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@Eric_Bader

Isn’t it ironic that crocodiles like water and people who wear Crocs are douchbags. Ok, maybe I don’t know what ironic means.

@emilygabaldon

What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??

A Boo Meringue

@TheCiscoKidder

A fine piece of art is like a fine piece of ass, I don’t understand either one but I want to take both home and mount them against the wall.

@natalayhehoo

If I ever want to hide something from my husband I’d put it in the dishwasher- he’d never look in there

@Megatronic13

[1st person to try jogging]

Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?

Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.

Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!

@iwearaonesie

So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”

@GrantTanaka

[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]

@djrogge

Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.

Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.