Are there any rules for lending your kids out as migrant workers?
I’ll never forget my Uncles last words on his death bed
“I am your Father”
Still doing the Star Wars impressions right to the end
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Dude on tv just said, “Where there’s fat, there’s flavor.”
He was talking about food, but I took it as a compliment.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Stomach: oh my god
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.