Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
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[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Batman v Dracula
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?