I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
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I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back