@iwearaonesie

i’ll never forget what mom said when dad told her he thinks we’re growing up too fast

“they’re in there daring each other to eat dog food”

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@ElleOhHell

UNCLE: Officers weren’t even safe from their own men in Vietnam.
ME: I’ve just decided it’s too hard to zoom in on any more dogs’ noses.

@ClichedOut

COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope

@JimMFelton

A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else

@GrillinChillin9

Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.

@Jandalize

He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.

@obiwankesnowbi

*after sex*

Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”

@WornOutMommy

God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.

@GrowlyGrego

*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?

@Tmoney68

If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.