Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
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Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
🙂🐾
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.