i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
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Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.