@U_Want_Shum_M8

i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

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@thelaurenobrien

How many times did people question the honesty of Shakira’s hips before she finally decided to defend them in a song?

@robdelaney

Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.

@tackie_jackie

Just gave my husband a 3 dozen box of condoms. He laughed and called it a life time supply.

I laughed and called him optimistic.

@P1ssed_K1d

Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.

@filibertohx_

“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo

@AristotlesNZ

No, I don’t hate you. I promise. Cross my heart and hope you die.

@Ruth_A_Buzzi

Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.

@DanMentos

eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots

@Pork_Chop_Hair

9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge

Me: yes

9: you gonna cook it?

Me: yes

9: I love you

Me: I know