[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
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I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!