I’ll never forget what my grandfather told me before he died. He said “Never forget what I’m about to tell you” then some story about corn.

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What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.


“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs


My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.


[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.


I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.


So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.


*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*


who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens