I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
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Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth