When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
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Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”