I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
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My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Bros before Ohioes
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?