I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.

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I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.


Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!


“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.


People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.


I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.


pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”


[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]

Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*

Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready


If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.