I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
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*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
#Caturday
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process