I’ll never salute you, General Settings
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An important part of parenting is teaching conflict resolution for example, when my kid unplugged my watch to charge his phone, I unplugged his phone and hid it.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.