I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
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Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Erm…
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Don’t make me out nice you.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”