“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
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Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]