*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
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I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
No regrets in 2018
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
how long have you had this for?
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid