[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
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Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
The Book. The Movie.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
i prefer mine room temperature.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
road rage
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.