I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
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I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
#ParentingFacts
Aaaa…CHOO!
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it