I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes

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Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away

How’s it feel


If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.


1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].

Wife: omg he just took his first steps!

Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.


ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²

DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*


I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.

We all have family for that..


Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.


FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you

SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet


[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?



DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…

CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]