Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
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Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]