@UnIxphysco

I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes

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@orange_rhymer

Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*

@JennyJohnsonHi5

If you’re feeling down about yourself, it won’t help you to know that Honey Boo Boo makes more money than school teachers.

@TweatingForTwo

The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.

Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.

Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.

The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.

Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.

@NoTheOtherJohn

ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print

@PhriendlyCody

wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!

[later]

ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department

@Marlebean

My husband is so sweet.
Whenever he sees me having a rough day, he pours himself a large glass of wine

@1Happytwit

I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.

@novicefather

My toddler fell, smashed his face into the cement, then played it off like he was giving the ground a kiss.

No DNA test necessary.