I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
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Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
#TopTip
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself