If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
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In honour ouf Canada Day, I’m incourpourating unnecessary ‘u’s intou my wourds.
hey, a mime!
*mime starts having heart attack*
hes pretending to die lol
*hours later still watching his body*
wow hes good
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
3YO: MOMMY HELP HELP!
ME *throws cat off lap, drops phone, spills coffee on self, runs up stairs, kicks open door*
3YO: I want a snack.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?