@UnIxphysco

I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes

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@junejuly12

If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.

@rachann79

In honour ouf Canada Day, I’m incourpourating unnecessary ‘u’s intou my wourds.

@hippieswordfish

hey, a mime!
*mime starts having heart attack*
hes pretending to die lol
*mime collapses*
*hours later still watching his body*
wow hes good

@CarpentersCrack

I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.

@_davidlucas_

If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.

@Rollinintheseat

[High school reunion]

Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”

Me: “You told me to never change.”

@MUMSIEesq

3YO: MOMMY HELP HELP!

ME *throws cat off lap, drops phone, spills coffee on self, runs up stairs, kicks open door*

3YO: I want a snack.

@UnFitz

*pronounces “naked” like “baked”

@XplodingUnicorn

8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.

Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.

8: Since when?