Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
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If you’re feeling down about yourself, it won’t help you to know that Honey Boo Boo makes more money than school teachers.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
My husband is so sweet.
Whenever he sees me having a rough day, he pours himself a large glass of wine
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
My toddler fell, smashed his face into the cement, then played it off like he was giving the ground a kiss.
No DNA test necessary.