I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
You Might Also Like
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
May never get over this
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
The human personality is made of five key elements
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!