I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
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Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.