I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
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Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon