I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
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wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.