Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
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Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
I thought I wanted to get married again.
Then I laughed and remembered why I shouldn’t think.
When life gives you lemons, you should peel one in front of the other lemons. You know… to send a message.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
*eats one piece of lettuce*
checks for abs
how can med students be sick,like bro just look at your notes