“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.