@thefurlinator

“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate

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@Marlebean

Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.

@AngelaEhh

I thought I wanted to get married again.

Then I laughed and remembered why I shouldn’t think.

@SuperJuanderer

When life gives you lemons, you should peel one in front of the other lemons. You know… to send a message.

@Kids_kubed

Dear toilet paper companies

I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials

@ZiziFothSi

Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel

@gerryhallcomedy

When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.

@Mostly_Cheese

[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]