“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate

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Should I buy a new pair of sunglasses or just leave $60 in a restaurant?


[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish


Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas


My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.

There is no Hotdog Bell here.

I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.


Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.


I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.


the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”


Him: Whatcha thinkin about?

Me: How ferrets are like if a cat and a scarf had a baby.