if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
“I’ll shave whoever I want! I’ll shave you, I’ll shave her! I’ll shave a goddamn baby if need be!”
Sean Connery, boasting about his heroism
You Might Also Like
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”