@Jabba_Jabba_Jaw

“I’ll shave whoever I want! I’ll shave you, I’ll shave her! I’ll shave a goddamn baby if need be!”

Sean Connery, boasting about his heroism

You Might Also Like

@Lowenaffchen

if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it

@Pro_Jones_

(NASA)

HQ: Good launch everyone.

Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?

NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.

@MarlonBrandNO

Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES

Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date

Blind Date: WHAT

Me: Kind of like a big raisin

@ThePocketJustin

I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.

@3sunzzz

M: *hands you back your baby*

Aw, is he getting too heavy?

M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.

@SortaBad

Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014

@boozemunkee

Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”

@badbanana

I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.

@SvnSxty

Me: Hello?

Satan: I’d like to make a return

Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL

@SamGrittner

I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”