Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
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*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.