@BackrowSeats

I’ll sleep when I’m dead. I’ll sleep tonight as well. There’s also a pretty good chance I’ll take a nap soon.

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@zwina_summer

My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.

@delusions_of

Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have herpes. Laugh all you want, you’ll still have herpes.

@SarahR_82

The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.

@AnkCoupleTO

[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?

@brennadine

OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]

@james_comics

god: these are humans

angel: how do they work?

god: [rubbing temples] not…not well

@CrissySpeaks79

My 7 year old son told me “You’re the most beautiful mommy ever!”

I asked him what he did and where’s he hiding it.

@david8hughes

[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?

@ruinedpicnic

Joe: $400? For ONE night?
Innkeeper: It’s the honeymoon suite.
[outside]
Joe: No rooms.
Mary: None?
Joe: Bummer, huh. That barn looks cosy?

@cheeky__gal

The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.