My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. I’ll sleep tonight as well. There’s also a pretty good chance I’ll take a nap soon.
You Might Also Like
Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have herpes. Laugh all you want, you’ll still have herpes.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
[Lays on floor]
god: these are humans
angel: how do they work?
god: [rubbing temples] not…not well
My 7 year old son told me “You’re the most beautiful mommy ever!”
I asked him what he did and where’s he hiding it.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Joe: $400? For ONE night?
Innkeeper: It’s the honeymoon suite.
Joe: No rooms.
Joe: Bummer, huh. That barn looks cosy?
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.