Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
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If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
first you must answer his riddles
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
#Caturday
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.