@superdadatron

I’ll stab someone if they hurt my kids. Or touch my nachos.

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@onbrandbrandonn

The 5 Love Languages

Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me

Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe

Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind

Gift Giving: give me a sign

Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time

@LindaInDisguise

Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?

Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.

Me: Wow! New record.

@Sarcasmo718

I’d love to see Jason Statham’s face when he finds out you can turn down movie roles.

@LeeroyJenkyy

Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo

Everyone else at laser tag: 😳

@SamanthaRae49

When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.

@TweetPotato314

[first day as a self defense teacher]

Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?

Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up

@hpb777

I hate it when the credit card bills come in and I have to have sex with my husband.

@gwatts77

Facebook people don’t like Twitter because they need picture illustrations to understand the joke.

@xysist

If Kim and Kanye name their next kid North West again, we can comfortably refer to the two as One Direction.