I’ll stab someone if they hurt my kids. Or touch my nachos.

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The 5 Love Languages

Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me

Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe

Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind

Gift Giving: give me a sign

Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time


Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?

Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.

Me: Wow! New record.


I’d love to see Jason Statham’s face when he finds out you can turn down movie roles.


Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo

Everyone else at laser tag: 😳


When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.


[first day as a self defense teacher]

Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?

Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up


I hate it when the credit card bills come in and I have to have sex with my husband.


Facebook people don’t like Twitter because they need picture illustrations to understand the joke.


If Kim and Kanye name their next kid North West again, we can comfortably refer to the two as One Direction.