I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
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My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.