“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
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just witnessed a drug deal
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.