I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
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This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
💻🤡
Doctors texting each other.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone