Remember when we spent an entire year learning cursive? That’s why the other countries are winning.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
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Hello, 911? *twirls phone cord around finger* sooooo how was your day? Did you arrest any bad guys?…No you hang up first! Hello? 911?
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)
ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Happy Columbus Day! Celebrate by going to the wrong house after work then claiming it as your own.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.