@BlindVigil

I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.

I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.

- @BlindVigil

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[Alien vs Predator]

Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school

@fireland

One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.

@graceful_asfuck

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Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.

@bourgeoisalien

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@ArfMeasures

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ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there

@squirrel74wkgn

I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.