I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
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If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask