I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
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[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.