I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
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There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.