Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
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Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me: -dramatic pauses?
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
When a dog’s stomach starts growling, it’s either hungry, or pregnant.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
ME: Between 10 & 11 p.m. I was having sex
JUDGE: Who are you? You’re not even in this trial
M: I know, I just want it on record
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!