I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?

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Me: you’re leaving me?

Her: [walking out]

Me: is it all of my-





Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses



Me: -dramatic pauses?


When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.


When a dog’s stomach starts growling, it’s either hungry, or pregnant.


That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…


ME: Between 10 & 11 p.m. I was having sex
JUDGE: Who are you? You’re not even in this trial
M: I know, I just want it on record


I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!